


Juice Gets Mixed Up At The Gynecologist

by webhead3019



Category: Beetlejuice (1988)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:41:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23454226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/webhead3019/pseuds/webhead3019
Summary: Beetlejuice pays Lydia Deetz an unexpected visit in the gynecologist office, but he’s about to receive an unexpected visit himself!





	Juice Gets Mixed Up At The Gynecologist

Of course, a certain someone entered the room and he wasn’t a doctor, nor was he on Lydia Deetz’ visitors list. At least, he wasn’t playing the part of the certain doctor she was seeing. Granted, Lydia wasn’t so sure his current getup was any better. Hell, it might actually be worse. As soon as the door clamped shut behind him, Beetlejuice waved about wildly to Lydia while in a hospital gown with his bare butt cheeks hanging out the rear flap. Lydia unconsciously slurred when she exclaimed, “For dick’s shake, Beetlejuice! Put some damn clothes on!” Unfortunately for her, the state of Beetlejuice’s garments was about to be much more stripped. The ditzy wildman imp from Hell didn’t realize he had wrapped a great length of his gown along the other side of the closed door. The moment he took another step forward was the very moment Beetlejuice’s gown tore itself in half through that slit in his ass and made the rest of him bare.

He was white and pasty top to bottom, even around his green and unkempt bush. Lydia covered her eyes just in time, as Beetlejuice began bouncing about ecstatically, though the flapping of his scrotum still scarred her eardrums. Beetlejuice hollered, “Lyd, Lyd! Hey, Lyd. I’ve taken over a hospital now. You know, because of all the dead old people. Now, we get to spend some quality bonding time between us again.” Just when she thought her day couldn’t get any worse, Lydia groaned, “Oh, shit.” Beetlejuice didn’t bother to let the situation get more lax before remarking, “Didn’t expect to find you here. So what? What’s the story here?” Lydia growled at him and said, “Bull freaking shit you didn’t expect to see me here, creeper. You know what you are, BJ? You’re a goddamn bloodhound.” Beetlejuice sniffed the air wildly like a dog and quipped just as rudely, “Sheesh. Smells tell me that someone’s on their period today.”

Lydia said, “I hurt my vagina, asshole.” Beetlejuice looked bewildered and asked, “You have a vagina?” Lydia said, “Oh, screw off. You must be the reason, male chauvinist pig! I hurt it probably because I saw that stupid face of yours.” Beetlejuice said, “No need for this to get ugly, babe. I just thought my favorite little goth chick hurt her wrist. You know I gotta look out for number 1.” Lydia said, “I thought number 1 was supposed to be you?” Beetlejuice agreed and said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Him too!” Lydia said, “Goddammit, will you just change already? You’re not going to flaunt your shriveled dick at me all day long! You need to see a dick doctor, or a urologist because that thing... that thing of yours is a goddamned nightmare! Only there’s nothing thrilling about it!” Beetlejuice sighed, “Well, when you put it like that...” Beetlejuice spun around like the Tasmanian Devil, complete with the Looney Tune’s spatter and sound effects.

Once he was all redressed, Beetlejuice said, “Okay, truce... for now. I’ve seen yours, you’ve seen mine.” Lydia asked, “What do you mean by you’ve seen mi—” Beetlejuice quickly interjected, “Before we venture too off topic, let’s get to the nittiest grittiest now we’re having this breakthrough in our relationship. How’s that sound?” Lydia said, “There is no relationship, you freaking cretin. You’re a parasite who just happens to be attached to me, but not vice versa. Other than maybe to get rid of you, you mean nothing more to me.” Beetlejuice said, “Yeah, I love you too. Now, away we go. What are you in for? Really?” Lydia said, “I already told you what I was here for, dumbass. Do you need me to explain—” Beetlejuice appeared before her munching on a stick of straw like some backcountry hick with buck teeth and raised his eyebrows at eyebrows at her.

Lydia sighed exhaustively and answered simply, “Gynecologist.” Beetlejuice said, “Ew! A doctor.” Lydia backfired, “Alright, tough guy. Now it’s your turn. Are you going to see that urologist I suggested you should see? Well, what are you in for? Really?” Beetlejuice said, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, baby!” Lydia said, “You’re Hell’s most magical asshole and idiot, try me.” Beetlejuice repeated, “Gynecologist.” Lydia Deetz cast him a disapproving scowl. Beetlejuice said, “I know, even grosser!” Lydia pointed to the doorway and said, “Go to the urologist, moron.” Beetlejuice said, “What the hell do you have to show me? How about a PhDefense, Doctor Idiot?” Lydia said, “I don’t need a goddamn certificate to tell you what I saw, asshat. What do you think that is you have there between those gay monkey whore legs of yours?”

Beetlejuice said, “Now you’re just making me feel self-conscious.” Lydia said, “Yeah. Doesn’t feel so hot to be on the freaking receiving end. Does it now, Bozo fuck nugget?” That was when the gynecologist came in and said, “Well, young lady. How about you open those thighs so I may have a peak down there.” Lydia said, “One, gross. You sound more rapey than Pope Francis. Two, I want you out of a job with a broom handle crammed so far up your ass for sounding like that. Three, are we going to address the very large elephant that’s still in the fucking room?” Beetlejuice mimicked the exact sound of an elephant trumpet, though he had a very different trunk hanging out of his zipper. Granted, said trunk was just as large as an elephant’s. The gynecologist said, “Ms. Beetz is clearly just the trunk er, I mean box I came to see.”

Lydia looked at him for the idiot he was and explained, “That’s not a box or a trunk. The correct term you’re looking for is penis. You might have one tuckered firmly between your legs, even if you don’t pay it any attention or deserve to have it. The fact doesn’t change that what you’re look at is a freaking man, you mouth-breathing elementary bailer.” The gynecologist began, “Well, Ms. Cranky Puss—” Lydia asked, “Wait, what the hell did you call me?” The gynecologist regained control of his past sentence and continued, “I’ll have you know I didn’t sign up to be a conversion doctor. Rather, I signed up to be a cunt doctor treating no particular version. If your lady parts take to an issue with that, that’s one issue you can take elsewhere. I won’t be having it from a transphobe.” Lydia said, “What the actual flip? I’m not a transphobe you freaking dang idiot. He’s the one appropriating—”

Beetlejuice yelled, “Um, Lydia?! Is the vajayjay doctor supposed to be touching my weewee inappropriately?” Lydia said, “Oh, for dick’s shake! You couldn’t wait one goddamn moment, could you?” With newfound fright, the gynecologist exclaimed, “Woah, sweet Dick fucks Mary mother of Jesus. What the hell is that thing, man?” Beetlejuice said, “Beats the fucking shit outta me, I simply call them my Unholy and Unknowable Nether Regions.” This fuel made the gynecologist’s fear sink furthermore into cosmic dread. Beetlejuice pleaded innocently, “Can you let go of my peepee now, vajayjay doctor? I don’t believe you’re supposed to be touching it.” The gynecologist didn’t realize that he was still clutching it and quickly tossed it aside with a goosebumps-laden gasp.

Both Beetlejuice and the gynecologist looked severely traumatized by the ordeal. Lydia looked to the gynecologist and asked, “Well, cunt wizard? Did you learn anything?” The gynecologist said, “I shouldn’t put my hand on vaginas, penises, or other urinary tools unless I know exactly what I’m getting into. I pretty much bought my way into the position I have in now, so it’s pretty much day one for me.” Lydia said, “What you really need to learn now is how take yourself to prison, pussy boy.” The gynecologist asked, “Why do I need to go to prison?” Lydia said, “Are you freaking kidding me? If for nothing else, it’s for sounding like a creepy uncle who’s not really an uncle.” The doctor said, “Fine, I deserve to be punished anyway for what I’ve done. I’ll never look at a vagina again, especially not his.”

Lydia said, “Now get the fuck out of my sight and take your ass to prison. Do it, or else I’ll send Beetle after you. You disgust me, man.” The doctor screamed and fled the room, but not before washing his hands. Lydia said, “Well, at least he knew how to do one thing right in this fucking job of his.” Lydia turned to Beetlejuice and asked, “Well, BJ? How about you? Did you learn anything of value today?” Beetlejuice convulsed and stuttered childishly, “I won’t ever disturb you Lyd Lyd when your peepee is here to see vajayjay doctor.” Lydia said, “Thank you, Beetlejuice. That’s all I ask.” Lydia hollered, “Hey, can I get a new gynecologist in here and preferably a registered one?! The last clown was a bigger pussy than the one I have between my legs!” Beetlejuice shrieked, “NO! NOT MORE VAJAYJAY DOCTORS! MUST PROTECT PEEPEE!” With that, Beetlejuice scrambled out of there like Scooby-Doo and the gang.


End file.
